The Cosmic Question


Kieran Hoskinson

A question that has gone unanswered for years, decades even. Since the birth of the universe, one item has been born and its mystery unsolved. What are they? What are they made of? Why do they exist? Those are the questions I will answer today, for now, is the time you finally find the truth. Today we explore new territory and find…..what makes a chip, a chip.

Let’s get the basics down, chips come from a mythical place called a factory and exist because they make me and everyone else who eats them happy (and sad once you look at the calories). Chips normally consist of corn, vegetable oil, and some type of powdery cheese. There are exceptions of course, one of them being the “potato chip” that is made out of thin slices of potato. As for the question of “What are they”, well now we really get into things.

The answer the what a “chip” is cannot simply be found with a google search. Many high-grade professionals could receive this question and be completely stumped. After all, no one truly knows what makes a chip a chip, except me of course. First, we must analyze what most chip’s physical appearance is. The social “norm” for a chip if you will, is something flat or with minor curvature at the middle or edge of the chip. Chips that are deformed, and fold over themselves forming a barrel are also considered chips, nobody is perfect, and chips aren’t either.  The next must is the amount of crunch. Level with me here, when have you bit into a chip and it’s soft? You simply don’t. When a chip is consumed, one must hear a “crunch” for a few chews before finally hearing a “munch”.

With these two criteria in mind, we can now begin judging what is or is not a chip. The obvious ones that fit this category are Doritos, potato chips, barbecue chips, tortilla chips, and salt and vinegar chips. Where we start to blur the line of what is and is not chips begins at Cheetos. I will now give you the other side of the spectrum of chip, they are what we call “puffs”. When you bite into them, they do not provide the necessary crunch, but instead, go straight to the munch. The next issue with puffs, and why they are not a chip is its structure. They are not flat, do not curve at the edges, and cannot fold over themselves as a deformation, for they are all fold, no flat. Something that is puffy, provides no crunch, and is completely round cannot and will not be considered as a chip. This is where Cheeto’s come into play. Cheeto’s themselves are round, not flat. But, Cheeto’s also provides the necessary crunch needed to be considered a chip.

This is where the chip world gets divided, is it a chip because of its crunch? Or is it a puff because of its non-flatness? Many people fall victim to the all too familiar form of choosing aside, but this is why you came here. I neither choose that a Cheeto is a chip, nor choose that it is a puff, for I have a different theory. The Cheeto is the bridge between the two rifted worlds, just as the Shaman acts as the bridge between the living and the dead. The Cheeto brings peace, but also pain. But the Cheeto is not sour then sweet, unlike other things, no it is far more supreme. The Cheeto makes you choose a side between its own version of heaven and hell. Original, or flaming hot. No matter what you choose the outcome is the same, you have chosen the middle, and there is no going back. Chester Cheeta has opened his arms to you, and once you take that bite of the perfect mix between chip and puff, there is no going back.

There you have it, the two criteria you need to separate almost anything into two groups, chip, and nonchip. Just remember one thing, no matter where you place an item, where or not its chip or nonchip, and no matter what you decide to eat, just remember. Chester Cheeta will always watch over you, as well as all the other chip gods out there; and ill be there too, watching over you all.

(Before you go, big thanks to Kylie Miller for this idea, I highly recommend checking her articles out too)