Ways to Annoy a Barista

Lily Jezorek, Guest

Asking for “your coffee”.

Chances are if you do this, everyone behind the counter can’t stand you. Even if you do tip well, everyone hates you. Especially if it’s through the drive through, only one person there knows your voice, and its not me, so once you tell me what “your coffee” is, you can certainly have it.

Tipping anything less than a dollar.

Obviously you don’t need to tip a barista…but if you don’t and your drink is wrong next time I’m not sorry. However, if you only tip 25 cents on your $15.75 tab so its an even $16, I genuinely think you need a doctor. Sure, even out the bill I get it looks weird on your records sometimes and you’d rather have it a clean number. But, if I get one more 15 cent tip I will throw it in your face in pennies. Moral of the story: If you’re going to tip less than a dollar, keep it.

Watching the barista make your drink.

Unless you are training me, and it is your job to watch me make your drink, do literally anything else. I don’t care what you do, play on your phone, look at the art on the walls, or punch a baby in the face, I DON’T CARE. Don’t watch me make your drink, chances are doubled that I’ll mess it up if you’re staring at me. I’m not going to poison you, you have a phone, look at it. Your drink has like two pounds of sugar so the type 2 diabetes will be much better than poison.

Correcting the barista.

This goes hand in hand with watching the barista, because chances are, your barista knows how to make the macchiato you ordered. So when they pour the shots “too soon” for your liking and not enough flavoring before they even handed the drink over, they want to scream at you. Like if you’re at a concert you don’t complain that the singer couldn’t get that high note they could do when they were 10, if you can’t do better than them, I don’t want to hear it. Either way shots being poured “too soon” isn’t a thing unless you want it to taste like burnt tires.

Coming in 5 minutes to closing.

Though it is tempting to get a coffee at 9:55, don’t. If you walk in and notice there is not one person in the shop besides the workers and they are cleaning, leave. We don’t want you here right now, we just can’t lock the doors until closing time. Also, if there’s no one in there, the workers are complaining about how many people asked for stupid drinks that we don’t serve…or they are gushing about the cute things they saw. One or the other. And you, as a customer, wouldn’t want to hear it because we’re not gushing over you. In fact, we’re wishing we cleaned the coffee machine earlier so we had an excuse to say no to your order.

Asking for something we don’t have

Surprisingly, not every coffee shop is Starbucks. If you ask for anything in a venti I know what you’re saying, but I’m silently judging you. Also, we don’t have creme brulee lattes during December. We have cinnamon bun (or something similar) so drink up.

Going through the drive thru with multiple orders

I have a hard enough time with more than two drinks in the drive through, so when you have three different orders with 2+ drinks each, do not expect it to be a clean transaction. At least one person will get the wrong drink and another person will end up with 4 drinks on their tab. You won’t be happy, and when we hear your voice through the drive through saying its 4 different orders I’ll say no.

Asking them what you want to drink

I don’t know your taste buds and what they like, so why are you trusting a stranger to tell you what’s good. What sounds really good to a barista is your money and tap water.  I could say the arzén smoothie is really good when I just told you to drink arsenic. (Just don’t actually order that, jail isn’t a fun place so I’ve heard).